• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer

Integrative Mediation Bay Area

San Francisco area mediation professionals

Join IMBA | Members Area
  • Learn More
    • About Integrative Mediation™
    • What is Integrative Mediation Bay Area?
    • What Disputes can IMBA Help With?
  • Professionals
  • Events & Training
    • Upcoming Events & Training
    • Past Events
  • Articles
    • Blog
    • News
  • Contact
You are here: Home / Blog Mediation Tips in Bay Area / Divorcing? First Agreements That Will Make The Difference

Divorcing? First Agreements That Will Make The Difference

March 18, 2019 By Edith Kelly Politis

reviewing agreements

Whether you are the one who has been contemplating divorce or you are the one who hearing about your spouse’s decision, the whole idea of divorce so easily brings up so many fears about what the future holds. Where will I live? Will I have enough money to live on? What will happen to our children? And on and on and on. I call those “catastrophysing thoughts” – thinking that divorce is about to happen seems to trigger a cascade of fears about the unknown future. What will happen to me? Will my spouse take me all our money, take me to court, take the children away from me, and on and on? I am familiar with this scenario because it happened to me.

After agonizing for months about it, I finally worked up the nerve to initiate the painful conversation with my husband about separating and eventually divorcing. During that very difficult first conversation we made two agreements with one another that turned out to be crucial to our family. One agreement was that we would not surprise one another – that neither of us would change the way we handled household finances or file anything with the court or do anything else unusual until we had personally told the other of that plan. Our second agreement was that we would not fight through, over, or about our children (who were 11 and 14 years old). The immediate impact on each of us of making these two agreements was to calm our respective fears about what the other person might do. Although we concluded that first conversation without either of us knowing what our next steps would be, we were each reassured that we did not need to be afraid of the other person.

A few weeks following our first painful conversation about separating and eventually getting divorced, my husband found two co-mediators, an attorney-mediator and a psychologist-mediator, to work with us. At our first meeting with our co-mediators we made a third agreement, which was that we would make all of our decisions based upon what we jointly believed to be in the best interests of our children. With the very wise and compassionate guidance of our co-mediators (we now call this an integrative mediation process) we were able to come to agreements about all the issues we needed to address and to continue to co-parent our children in two households. I believe that these first agreements we made at the very outset of our separation and ultimate divorce significantly impacted how each member experienced our family’s transition.

So, if you can make agreements with your spouse early in your separation and divorcing process, I recommend that you include these three agreements:

  • No surprises. Neither spouse will change finances or parenting patterns or file anything with the court without first advising the other spouse.
  • We will not fight through, over, or about our children.
  • We will make agreements based upon what we jointly believe to be in the best interests of our children.

Filed Under: Blog Mediation Tips in Bay Area

Footer

Integrative Mediation Bay Area

Serving San Francisco and surrounding communities with remote services worldwide.

Alameda County

Serving all of Alameda county, including but not limited to:

  • Alameda
  • Berkeley
  • Castro Valley
  • Dublin
  • Fairview
  • Fremont
  • Hayward
  • Livermore
  • Oakland
  • Piedmont
  • Pleasanton
  • San Leandro

Contra Costa County

Serving all of Contra Costa county, including but not limited to:

  • Antioch
  • Brentwood
  • Danville
  • El Cerrito
  • Lafayette
  • Moraga
  • Orinda
  • Pinole
  • Pittsburg
  • Pleasant Hill
  • Richmond
  • San Ramon

Marin County

Serving all of Marin county, including but not limited to:

  • Belvedere
  • Corte Madera
  • Fairfax
  • Greenbrae
  • Inverness
  • Kentfield
  • Larkspur
  • Mill Valley
  • Novato
  • Pt. Reyes Station
  • Ross
  • San Anselmo
  • San Rafael
  • Sausalito
  • Tiburon
  • Woodacre

Napa County

Serving all of Napa county, including but not limited to:

  • Calistoga
  • Napa
  • Rutherford
  • St. Helena
  • Yountville

San Mateo County

Serving all of Santa Clara county, including but not limited to:

  • Atherton
  • Belmont
  • Burlingame
  • Daly City
  • Foster City
  • Half Moon Bay
  • Hillsborough
  • Menlo Park
  • Millbrae
  • Portola Valley
  • Redwood City
  • San Bruno
  • San Mateo
  • South San Francisco
  • Woodside

San Francisco County

  • San Francisco

Santa Clara County

Serving all of Santa Clara county, including but not limited to:

  • Campbell
  • Cupertino
  • Los Altos
  • Los Altos Hills
  • Los Gatos
  • Morgan Hill
  • Mountain View
  • Palo Alto
  • San Jose
  • Santa Clara
  • Sunnyvale

Solano County

Serving all of Solano county, including but not limited to:

  • Benicia
  • Dixon
  • Fairfield
  • Suisun City
  • Vacaville

Sonoma County

Serving all of Sonoma county, including but not limited to:

  • Cloverdale
  • Cotati
  • Healdsburg
  • Petaluma
  • Rohnert Park
  • Santa Rosa
  • Sebastapol
  • Sonoma

do not use footer 2 widget area

  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Copyright © 2022 Integrative Mediation Bay Area · All Rights Reserved

Web Design by The Crouch Group

· · ·

Log in

  • Learn More
    ▼
    • About Integrative Mediation™
    • What is Integrative Mediation Bay Area?
    • What Disputes can IMBA Help With?
  • Professionals
  • Events & Training
    ▼
    • Upcoming Events & Training
    • Past Events
  • Articles
    ▼
    • Blog
    • News
  • Contact